Beginning a Transformation by Taking a Look at the Past

I was living every child’s dream. Not only did I have a great Halloween costume idea, but I also had a mom who went way out of her way to design and construct the coolest costume a kid could ever have. I was a jelly bean jar – a plastic-wrapped, balloon-filled, hat-topped jar with sparkly cheeks…and I knew the love of a mom who took the effort to make me a jelly bean superstar, a child with the coolest costume to show off.

Unfortunately, my memories of being that jelly bean jar tragically turned into those of a nightmare. I giggled with my classmates, eager to march through a first grade classroom and snake around the desks while proudly displaying our costumes for all to see. How could anyone find my costume less than the best? Soon, however, the excitement I felt and the happiness I radiated were quickly dashed by the words of one six-year-old boy during my second grade class’s costume parade: “You make a good jelly bean jar, because you’re fat!”

I don’t think I need to offer a long explanation to describe how those words could damage the tender heart of a somewhat chubby and always sensitive seven-year-old girl. I may, however, need to describe to you the powerful impact those words have on the life of this 28-year-old writing to you today.

Though I hate to admit it, I must confess that to this day, all of my proudest moments – those of actually making the varsity cheer squad, graduating valedictorian, completing college, landing a job, as well as my most challenging journeys – applying for colleges, interviewing for jobs, dating, considering my calling in ministry – are all marred by this idea that no matter how much love has been poured into making me who and what I am, no matter how confident I should be to stand before other people as I am, it’s not and never will be good enough. I’m too fat and thus, nobody wants me this way. I might as well give up.

“Seriously?” you must ask. “Seriously?”

“Yes. Seriously!”

Ridiculous, right? In my head, I must agree with you. This sounds pretty pathetic coming from a girl who appears to many people as active, ambitious, friendly, articulate, and confident. Honestly, I don’t know how I have managed to dupe so many people into believing that I am anything less than a struggling young woman consistently striving to be anyone or anything other than who I am.

Well, I tell you that this has simply got to come to an end, and I pray with all of my heart that it will. Although…(sigh)…I know this may be a long process, and I hope I do not give up while God is at work transforming my heart and my mind. Today, I officially asked for God’s help in allowing me to forgive that little boy. He is not to blame for my 21 years of thoughts and choices since he uttered those ignorant words. He is not my excuse for poor behavior, the way I have focused on physical appearance throughout my life, or my lack of effort in truly understanding my identity in Christ. Because I am forgiven, I know he deserves my forgiveness. I freely offer it today, knowing that it is my own life, not that of the now grown boy, that is about to change because of it. This is my first step in transforming my thoughts so that my mind may be renewed.

While I may have put on a few pounds in the past two years, it doesn’t make me any less worthy of love or less able to do what God has created me to do. That Halloween, I did not make a good jelly bean jar because I was fat but because my mom made me the best jelly bean jar there ever was, and I knew it. Besides, I was NOT a jelly bean jar, I was me, dressed as one. In the same way, I want to understand that God made me the best me there ever was, and whether I am fat, thin, or in between, I am not my body. My soul simply has a body to use for a time.

I invite you to join me on my journey of transforming thoughts so that our lives may be changed...

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Romans 12:2